Feeling Angry

I don't know exactly why but for the past 2 days I have been kind of angry. I thought it odd that during SQL yesterday I put up my hood and listened to angry music while coding up a little in class assignment. The image strikes me as funny though. Last night right after work walking to Deans I started to get pretty angry too. This was all well enough explained as you will see from my previous post. Me and Dean sorted all of that out though and so I shouldn't be angry anymore. I have a feeling I'm mostly angry at myself. I have a quite a history behind me. The coping mechanisms humans have and the way terrible events can shape someone is pretty incredible.

I have had an anger problem for along time. As a kid my father was an alcoholic. While physical abuse was to a minimum it was pretty heavey on the emotional abuse. for 12 years I went through alot of crap including, Sitting with my Dad for hours having him tell me how I am inadaquit, me and my brother locking the door to are bedroom and him screaming and pounding on it till we let him in so he could insult us break our toys etc..., the occasional beating if I was ever to try and refute or get away from what he was saying and much much more. I can still remeber crying after he backhanded me for not doing something right in my hockey game earlier that day. That was my home life. Now that left me with some anger issues and issues with my Dad which I have mostly sorted out. Me and Dad don't fight anymore and he is a much better man than he used to be. That is prolly the big part but also at school. Do you know that kid when you were in grade school the bigger one who was allowed to dress as they wanted(in a bad way). The kid that wouldn't fight back? Yep I was bully meat. My bully experinces as a kid were not as bad as some but I can remeber not being able to go through a day at school with out someone asking me "Shane did you bathe in oil today?" or the countless number of "your fat jokes". Again minimal on the physical abuse but I remeber being pelted by basketballs by some older boys and then there was the text book beating I recieved on the bus once. So all in all I had one of the rougher child hoods.

Come about grade 7 I entered my depression this was probably aided by puberty and the life style change I made. I went from being kinda grubby not caring what i wore etc. To more trying to pick nice clothes, gelling my hair anything to get these kids to stop making fun of me. The main cause for my depression back then was because since I was young, girls found me repulsive or so they told me. So at the stage where guys start getting interested in girls I was sure no woman/girl would want me. My explanation for why I was depressed today is that I felt a lack of love from my father and was searching for it else were and I feared not being able to find it. My depression was pretty typical I contemplated suicide, hated myself, tried to hide it by being happy all the time. I only attempted suicide once and it was more for attention then anything and I know that now. I remeber how I had put my depression in prespective. Everyday I woke up miserable and I knew someday it would get better and I would stop feeling like this but I just wanted it to end right there and most of the time I thought about how to feel better death or otherwise.

At the end of grade eight about may my friend Justin helped me out of my depression one night. it was like someone turned on the lights. So from grade 8 till grade 11 I think I was pretty happy go lucky but I snapped alot. I could be set off by something as small as someone touching my face. As I matured though got bigger stronger etc my family started to get afraid of me. I know Dean has mentioned what he does when he is angry. I yell and get confrontational. So many times when I was angry I would get in peoples faces. I also have a knack to be incredibly cruel. I don't do it but pretty much as soon as I meet someone I know just what to tell them to break them. That my friends is far worst than being able to hurt someone physically. I would never hit anyone I would just make it seem like I might. I used to cut my Dad down all the time when we fought and he never said anything but I knew it worked because he would get angry... really angry. Thats something no one seems to understand about my anger it's not that I am threatening really, I can just cut you up until you have lost your confidence and then you will fear me. When I'm angry I thrive on control I need to put people in there place they must fear me. I don't insult people either really. Do you know the term "striking a nerve"? thats what I can do. I'm pretty observant about people. if your reading this right now I know exactly what I would need to say to you to make you break down and cry. This assuming your not a random person and I have met you. It's sick what I take delight in when I'm angry

On that note though I hate angry Shane. Angry Shane is the polar opposite to Shane. Shane likes to help his friends tell jokes and generally be pretty fun to be around. Angry Shane wants to cut people down make them fear him and if words won't do it his large stature and booming voice will (yes I would have to say I am pretty good at yelling). I haven't become angry in along time. Not even living with Rose has she been able to make me angry like in the old days.

I'm peaceful now I'm not really a ticking time bomb like I used to be it takes alot to get me angry and I mean ALOT. When you live through so much crap it becomes harder and harder for things to phase you. While it does have it's negatives sides. Like my darkerside. I think overall I am a much better person for all the stuff I have conquered and dealt with in my life.

On a lighter note I feel better now and on a even lighter note I opened the trash compacter at work yesterday and by george a rat when flying out of it. Scared the bejeebers out of me

Now if you are reading this thank you for reading my whole blurb about myself I promise to post more about Dean soon. Now go get yourself a samich